Dealing with Toxic Behavior in Family and Friends

  I feel like a year ago, I would have been far too nervous to make this blog post about the meaning of toxicity in both family and friends, but now I'm aware of the voice that I have and the chance that I have to help someone going through the same issues. I wish I'd known, other than a handful of others in my twenty-two years of life, that felt it necessary to share their boundaries with friends and family who exude toxic behavior, and how they've decided to handle it.
  Let me just start-off by saying, I am one emotional mess. I find meaning in everything, I feel things heavier than the average person. I am sensitive, but I've found, in my own time, that it doesn't mean I am any less strong of a person. My emotional side has often been taken as 'being dramatic', and while I know that I can be dramatic on certain things, I know that overall, I am not a dramatic person. With all of that being said, I've had my emotional side pinned against me and made my opinions worthless in some cases, simply because I've been told I'm 'too dramatic'.
  Once you leave the house and start the process of becoming an adult, you learn two things: 1. That your way of life while you were underneath of your caregivers' roof is not the way that the rest of the world functions, and 2. You figure out a way of life, and take what your childhood taught you and form it into a new lifestyle for yourself. With that being said, you also realize who you want to take with you into life and who you do not. Enter: setting boundaries.
  Personally, in my case, I was taught to always be kind. I've found that through growing older, my mind learned that 'being kind' meant allowing people to walk all over me; to disregard my own self, so long as the other person was within the realm of understanding that they are welcome whenever I was around. This was the beginning of allowing and unknowingly inviting toxic behavior into my life.
  Now that I am older, I understand that my way of thinking was definitely incorrect. While it's true that I am still sensitive to others' needs, I've found that it doesn't mean that I have to sacrifice my own well-being to cater to every living soul that enters into my life; when the need arises, that type of energy should be shared with only those that we allow to be close to us, not every single person we meet.
  Life, I've learned thus far, is all about energy, and where we choose to direct it, and who we choose to direct it to. Here, lately, I've had to make a decision for myself, 'Where am I directing my energy and time? Are they giving the same amount back, and/or would they ever?' If the answer is 'no' to this question, then I've decided it's time to move along in life with them either at arms length or to wish them well and cut them off completely.
  This has not been an easy task, and I'm in the process of learning how to do all of this myself alongside close friends and family that give me advice, love, and support. Life is far too short to be spending your time, soul, and energy with anyone other than those that build you up and actively want to see you thrive and do well. Anyone else simply must be kept at a distance, or cut-out completely.
  If you're doing this in your own life, I promise we are in this together. This is a hard task to decide and act-upon, especially when you've been the one to be kind to everyone for your entire life-- you are literally re-wiring your mind to take better care of itself and to set personal boundaries to protect your soul.
  In conclusion, walk away simply knowing that toxic is toxic-- family or friend. I'm sorry that someone has hurt you so deeply in the past and that you felt the need to still hold a space for this person in your life for so long, but know that it's okay to say 'no'. This will be so hard at first, because I guarantee you once you start saying 'no', this person will become angry and say some unkind things to you to try and get you to change your mind. Just take it easy, stay calm, and know that boundaries are built overtime. Don't answer, don't give a reaction, just simply let them shout their unjustified rage into the wind. Eventually, these toxic souls will stop coming around and will learn that they can no longer get under your skin. It's a difficult practice and I am learning how to do the same.

  kati