Becoming a Mom & Personal Postpartum Realities

     I think it's fair to say quite a bit of life has happened between now and my last post. Joey and I welcomed our much-awaited daughter, Sunni Jo, in the wee hours, (1:57am, to be exact), on Tuesday morning, November 17th, 2020. I would love to write a post solely dedicated to the birth story, but for today's post, I'd like to give an honest & raw update to friends, family, & readers on what my life has looked like, lately.

    Let me just say: (and don't crucify me for this next part-- I know that people mean well when they give unsolicited advice), I have heard every comment, piece of advice, and every "oh, just you wait until XYZ" there is to hear in the book. I can look at anyone dead in the face and tell you just this: nothing, no amount of advice, not a single soul can prepare you for this next chapter in life.. not just because it's difficult, but because it's so unique to absolutely everyone who enters into it. 

    There is no 'one size fits all' solution or solid-preparedness to having a baby, becoming a parent, the incredible challenge of breastfeeding, (should you choose to do so), and the mental, physical, emotional toll of going through postpartum & all of the above mentioned.

    Why isn't postpartum depression discussed more? Why is postpartum anxiety so taboo to talk about? Why is mental health in general so strange and scary to share in detail? There's so much more to this new journey of motherhood I never knew would be so difficult, no matter how many times I was told about it. Until you experience this first-hand, no one can ever know the beautiful, sometimes scary journeys of bringing a human being into this world, being responsible for that human being, and still having time to take care of yourself, too, in mind, body, & soul.

    If there's one thing I've learned about becoming a more healthy, productively functioning human being through becoming a mom, it's been learning to speak much more frequently, honestly, & openly about my mental health with the ones in my inner circle. If I didn't have my little community of trust & support, I don't know how well I'd be doing, right now. Community is what's most important. We all need one.

    Becoming a mom has been the scariest, most difficult, most rewarding, most incredibly beautiful thing I've ever and will ever do in my whole life. I am, (albeit subconsciously confidently winging it 99.9% of the time), on cloud nine being this little human's source of life & care. 

    Life after birth and as a new mom.. it's messy; it's dark, purple stretch marks, it's crying with my baby at three AM, it's passive-aggressive comments to your partner followed-up with hugs and tearful apologies, it's looking at loose skin where it used to be firm, it's bliss, "it's the best of times, it's the worst of times", it's a lot of things-- but it's beautiful, and I wouldn't give it up for the whole world.

(screenshot from my Instagram story two weeks ago)

    There's a lot to motherhood that many don't know and those that do know.. don't talk about it. I vow to not add to that hushed crowd if I can help it. 

    Sure, everyone knows about the sleepless nights, the ungodly amount of diapers changed, & spit-up covered, three-day-old t-shirts.. but what about the nights spent crying tears over a screaming baby that has taken every last bit of milk out of your cracked, sore nipples, feeling like you can't produce enough milk, so you're left to supplement with formula, which you so confidently, pre-baby, swore you'd never do? What about not ever being able to shower for five minutes without hearing your baby cry from the other room as you sprint out to not allow them to cry a second more, only two sit on the couch in your towel with a crying baby and two-hour old shampoo still sitting in your hair? Don't even get me started on the "phantom cries".. (those cries you literally hear in your head and you think baby is crying while you're in the shower or drying your hair). 

    You know what else there's a lot of? Mom-shaming and mom-guilt. I spent a week crying over Sunni's delivery because of other moms shaming my delivery choice. A whole week of crying over Sunni being a C-Section birth, because there are legitimately other moms out there in the world that guilt other mom's for not being able to vaginally deliver their babies. Yep. Seriously. It took a week of tears, a reality check conversation from my husband & best friend, and four doctors to knock some sense into me for me to finally understand that Joey & I's decision to have Sunni the way we did was the only way possible to ensure her safe & healthy delivery due to our special circumstances. Mom-guilt and mom-shaming sucks.

    Speaking of Cesarean deliveries.. I had no idea how excruciating the healing process would be after a C-Section. Holy shit. I'm so happy we went with a Cesarean delivery for our girl due to our circumstances that I'll get into in her birth story, but wow. That recovery process was brutal.

    I hope to write a post all about Sunni's birth story, soon. I hope you all are well, staying safe, and healthy. Happy New Year. 2020 was a shit show.. but not all of it was bad..

Sunni Jo Ryan

20", 8lbs 13.4oz

1:57 AM, Tuesday, November 17th, 2020

kati